Soul Tears

Weight

2006-06-12T10:25:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I came to you with a broken heart
Just a drunk, lonely and beaten
So confused and tired of life
I don't have to be a burden
There are ways to fix that
I fear my black heart could infect yours
I'm sure this isn't what you had in mind
When all this started
Should have kept it all inside
Like I had gotten so used to doing
My past. It'll break your back
It broke mine

Tell Me

2006-06-01T11:49:00.000-05:00

Tell me you will never leave me
I know you will
But it will help me get through the day

Tell me you will never hate me
I know it's going to happen
But it will help me sleep tonight

Tell me you don't want me to hurt myself anymore
I will once you are gone
But I want someone to check my wrists for new scars

Tell me you love me
Because I've never heard it before

Insomnia Again

2006-06-01T11:45:00.000-05:00

Seeing things again
Hearing things
Again
I see myself
Loading that gun
Over and over
I see you
Walking away
To never return
This insanity
That agony
Returning once again
I hate for you to go through this with me
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'll just tie myself to these railroad tracks

Healing Hands

2006-06-01T11:41:00.000-05:00

You've warmed my heart
Just enough to let it bleed
The chunk of ice that was my heart
I've still kept through all these years
Now, in your hands it starts to push blood again
Entrusted to you, just don't break it
Because I wont be conscious enough to clean up the blood
If you do
You just wont see any tears
Because they have all been taken

Again

2006-06-01T11:35:00.000-05:00

You'll kill me before I can
you'll suck the soul right out of me
Before I could carve it out

No more no more
You know she will
Make you feel

But she is so beautiful
With her words
So harsh and real

The way, just the way
I had feared
But the only way
It could be

Love Lost

2006-06-01T11:25:00.000-05:00

I see that blade, now
My sweet, resting
Stained from the tears of my soul
Seems so long ago
It lies there, betrayed
I cant pick it up again
To touch its rigid cold
Could fling me back
To where I came from
It brought me so much
Made me realize
Gave me comfort through pain
Shown me that I could still live
But without it, my wrists are clean
Bring me back to where I came from
My sweet, tool of torture

Sleep

2006-06-01T11:18:00.000-05:00

So little sleep
I cant keep my eyes shut
Does it show
Look at me; listen to me
Watch; listen
To what I have said
I CAN SHOW YOU
Against the palm of my hand
My fingers grasp tighter
I cough
I choke
I convulse
No more
Sleep, without dream
Finally

The Curtain Falls

2006-06-01T11:05:00.000-05:00

All is over
The curtain has fallen
Time to go home
Time is up
The light has been put out
Along with every thing
I know
Last time you looked
There was so much sand left in the glass
This is the part of the show
When you all laugh
Just laugh
With my feet off the floor
Just laugh

Search

2006-06-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

Looking for you is all I have left
This pen
That blade
The drink
They once allowed me to forget
But they hold nothing for me now
All that fucking ink I wasted
All those cigarettes I smoked
I know I was just praying for cancer
I just wait
Hoping for a time when I can love you
As much as I hate myself
Too many tears, I have no more
So much blood, not a drop left

Both Thought

2006-06-01T10:47:00.000-05:00

Thanks but no thanks
I'll just keep guessing
I'll just draw you differently
Next time
You'll miss me
We'll miss each other I know
(HAHAHAHAHA)
But haven't we had enough
Of the feeling sorry bullshit?
I've had enough of your
False sincerity that kept choking
Don't you lie to me
I can be just as unpredictable
Wait here I'll be right back
Would you like to see my new gun?

The Game

2006-06-01T10:42:00.000-05:00

Attack, evade, defend
Step forward, step back
Look, look away
The match has been called
A stalemate, a draw
This game of emotional chess
No one wins, no one loses
It was always such a fucking game with you
That shield of bullshit
Kept everyone back
It has long since been over
But I still suffer the heavy losses
A battle of hearts
Though I only had spades
My pawns always melted away
Queen takes king...
Checkmate

Medicated

2006-06-01T10:35:00.000-05:00

Listen to my loss of memory
Listen to the sounds that I hear
That I translate for you
Pull on my legs
I have been burden to this tree
Far too long
Choke me harder
Choke me as much as it takes
Were all just so goddamn medicated
aren't we
I would rather die a real death
Than live a fake life

New Chapter

2006-05-31T12:52:00.000-05:00

After a full year (December 2004 - December 2005) of borderline insanity I feel that now I have finally finished that chapter of the uncompleted book of Forever Hollow's Soul Tears. I am encouraged in a way to see that I have made it through, it has always been an exhausting task to press on but somehow I made it through. Also I am partially disheartened to have started another "chapter" because I am afraid of what this next one holds.

Through the torture and torment of the first Soul Tears chapter I thank anyone who has been able to put up with reading any of my lamentations and whining. I have been recovering from the hangover-like feeling of the first chapter for the past five months and I think I am ready to start this new chapter now that I have someone so amazing by my side. She helps me travel faster than the speed of pain and numb the agony I feel and have felt; a perfect drug. Although everything here is written for myself, to help me going, I do greatly appreciate any readers and their comments whatever they might be.

2005-12-05T12:21:00.000-06:00

Now punch out the walls
And then shatter the windows
Of my brain, hollowed out

Enough Isn't Enough

2005-12-05T12:20:00.001-06:00

My company is only myself now
To argue here
And sift through what you had left me
Generosity was never your thing
I understand that but couldn’t you
Have made and exception for what I wanted most?
I tried to slow the clocks while holding my breath
But finally collapsed when you said enough is enough
Enough isn’t enough
What I had was never enough
You couldn’t pity me enough?
Returning my heart so bruised was enough
But I’m fine now that the bandages have fallen of and I’m calloused
Until I see you again
I hope this is what you wanted

Drained

2005-12-05T12:20:00.000-06:00

Spilled myself for you
I was broken
Thrown to the fire
Left to drown
Caught into
Overwhelmed
Repeated
Repentances so hollow
Your empty hands always hid from mine
I could have loved if I was let to
I was always the one choosing
But only now do I stay outside
Before and now I am sleepless
You could drain me until I cannot crawl

Watch Me

2005-12-05T12:19:00.000-06:00

Always behind
Left to sleep only in your shadow
Separate myself
I need to bring my head back to me
I need to cut apart the black
From the grays
The innocence, my sight
Has been taken from me
For so long, blind
I can feel your bricks upon my shoulders
I’ll vomit what you have spoonfed me
I’ll cut off what has been branded into me
The heat of anger
Fogs my vision
But I keep swinging
Until collapse

My Cancer is not Physical

2005-11-29T15:45:00.000-06:00

All the countless times I've tried
To will out the sickness
Beat out the illness
That has plagued me
The blood of unforgetfulness
Keeps pounding against my skull
The screams of the orchestra
And whines of voices swirl endlessly
Sweet dreams but hold tight
Sweeter screams tears the grip
Bled out to purge myself of this
I am host to this parasite
A disease to me; to others surrounding
My cancer is not physical but eats away at me still
You might have been the antidote
But slipped away

Now it Becomes

2005-11-29T15:40:00.000-06:00

When you come to realize
I'll still be sitting here
Holding my head full of glass
I hope you'll find me if you look
And with you sweep up my heart
Spread across the floor like broken glass
I'll try my best to be where you left me
I'll try not to pass the time
By splitting my veins with the broken glass
It's still hard
Waiting this long
Trying not to breathe in this air full of broken glass
These pools around me
Mirror back emptied eyes
Every tear that falls is like a shard of broken glass

Division + Subtraction = Addition

2005-11-29T15:37:00.000-06:00

Come. Let's see what our minds
Are made of
And what holds can be broken
We can hide where everyone will find us
Cover our eyes until the stars rain on us
We'll peel our skin off
And scream at the veins to push harder
Break our back just to have an excuse
The groan of the opening of our chests
Will quiet our cries for more
As our bonds melt away

Hate is Too Much Work

2005-11-29T15:31:00.000-06:00

What is it that you want?
What is it that I can give you?
Your hand, your stare brings so much pain
You say you're blind
You say the darkness pushes in all around you
But the only darkness you see
Is the back of your eyelids
You feel the pain from your own blade
But blame it on everyone else
We all kill ourselves eventually
It's not your place to sell tickets
Sweet dreams
As they say in Hell
"A martyr is when you die for something
That is not of yourself"

Drowning for the Last Time

2005-11-29T15:28:00.000-06:00

Drowning without someone to watch
Gasping for air
With only myself to pull me further
You may not know
I was about to jump in
While you were there
Only because you wouldn't hold me hand
I never told you
But I always had a feeling
That you could read me like a book

Slipping through
I am here now
I can almost feel myself separating
I still cant see anyone through the rippling surface

Too Late

2005-11-29T15:21:00.000-06:00

Maybe if you accually were here
I wouldn't have to reach into the shadows you left
Too late to call
I wont be going anywhere
I was shattered when you said what you did
Far too late to call
There were so many lines written for you
But the pieces of me could never catch you
You were a true rarity
A dose of something I'd never had before
Previous attempts were to no avail
I had so much to tell you
But I knew my cowardice and shamefulness were to
Always overcome
A governor like you kept the knife in the drawer
But it was always (much) too late to call

Depletion

2005-10-03T19:47:00.000-05:00

Stop breathing
Stop breathing
That burning you're feeling is your body
Letting you know it's time
Stop bleeding
Stop bleeding
Those tears you shed
Are to no avail
Stop seething
Stop seething
That anger boiling
Is what should be directed to yourself

The Core Stings

2005-09-29T23:41:00.000-05:00

Time remaining
I plead
To whomever might hear
To slow the winding

The connection from my eyes
Throguh to my center crumples
Acid courses throughout my core
Blink to keep tears inside
Although fire I hold in my hand
Is used for no other, though tempted
My flame is meant only for me
It tourtures me but I keep ingesting

My tears flow red
My blook pulses black through a glass heart; thin, inklike
Hell on earth is only your mind
Telling you it is time

Lynched

2005-09-28T13:33:00.000-05:00

Swaying
Pluck me
Dangling from the tree
From the rest who have joined
From those who I have accompanied
Fastened like like great rotting pieces of fruit
Suspended ripe for picking
Apart from what you may think
It was not of my own will
You it was who dropped me

But no longer
I am left, an outcast to sway from these old branches
Long since neglected and dead, but always twisting higher
Always to make branches for more flesh to string from
The thick wind wipes dust across my ankles
Who will you chose next?

Decrepit

2005-09-19T14:47:00.000-05:00

His life had seemed to go by so fast. One day he was a lonely bachelor in a tiny apartment, finding comfort only in the intoxicating glass bottles littering his fridge and floor. The next moment he awoke one morning lying in bed next to his wife, she was so calm and beautiful when she was sleeping. So suddenly it seemed, he arrived home from his hectic job finding all of her things gone. The only thing she left was a message on the answering machine.

He opens the door and walks in, hoping to see his wife watching TV, but she isn’t there, her jacket, usually draped across the back of the chair, gone. He walks further on into the apartment. The closet is almost empty, and everything has disappeared besides his few shirts and ties he never wears. His chest pumping hard and warm beneath his work shirt, he goes into the kitchen to find the red light blinking slowly on the answering machine. Cautiously he pushes a button. That pretty voice is the first thing he wants to hear, but it turns out to be the last thing he wants her to say.
“Baby, it’s just not going to work with us . . . ‘click”

He was shocked, like anyone would be, but he should have seen it coming. The thought had crossed his mind that she would find someone else, but he didn’t want to think it would really ever happen.

His life had changed a lot throughout the years, but this time it was different. He went back to his miserable self for a short period while his brain was screaming, “What have I done?” He needed to see her again, one last time before he died.

All those complicated days of wondering what she was really thinking. He heard what was coming from her mouth, but he could never figure out what she said through those eyes.

Her sweet voice turned vicious. His vision blurred and his mind dumb from the alcohol.

“Look at you! Look at all of this! You’re a fucking drunk.” The slap across his cheek he feels before he sees it coming. Her blurred eyes seem red and blazing.

“Come on honey, it was just a couple drinks with some buddies from work.” The slurred speech comes slowly from his lips.

Her eyes are fiery slits. They pierce through him. “Well don’t come around here after you have ‘a couple drinks.’”

“What have I done?”

More than thirty years had passed since he was abandoned by his last ditch effort to find something to live for. He now wanders the strange streets of yet another new town. Still searching for her, he wants to tell her something.

After he is done for the night at his new job, he checks his pockets before hailing a cab. He doesn’t want to walk the few miles in the rain to his motel room. A taxi pulls up. He gets in and tells the driver where to take him. Rain beats on the roof and streaks across the windows as street lights pass slowly.

Back at his grungy room, he smells the stench of old cigarettes seems to emit from everything. He turns on the TV and goes to the bathroom. The broken faucet never really turns off; it always drips water methodically. The mirror has a crack from one corner to the other. When he looks into it, he sees two broken pieces of himself reflected there.

“How was work?” one side said.

“Do you care?”

“Maybe you should get out,”

“Get out where?”

“Anywhere. Maybe we should leave.”

“Again?”

“Yeah, your new job doesn’t pay very well.”

“It’s enough. Besides, we just got here,” he argues. “I’m going to check out the local bars.”

He steps out into the rain again. At this time of night, it is both comforting and unnerving. Streams of cold rain are running through the broken and rough concrete. Dirty water flows through the gutters along the streets. Calmly walking through all this, he looks for a bright neon flicker to welcome him in. Entering the smoky room he sees a few businessmen in suits sit drinking. He sits at one of the stools at the corner of the bar. He orders his drink and drains it slowly. Hours pass, and the bartender gives the last call before he closes for the night. The man is the only one left when he finishes his last, and leaves.

Arriving back at the room, he fumbles the keys with his drunken hands. He opens the door and stumbles into the room. He turns on the lamp by the bed and begins packing.

The morning after a long night at the bar, he gets up despite his headache. With all his things packed, he gathers his bags and locks the door behind him. Walking through the motel parking lot, he soon finds another broken body at his feet.

“What have I done?”

His drunken rage overcomes him. Seething and furious, teeth clenched, his knife is out in a moment. His oppressor feels a flash of pain as a knife is thrust into the back of his neck. With the metal point barely protruding from his adam’s apple, he goes limp, falling to the asphalt. The killer finds the keys and opens the door of the victim’s car. He gets in, lights a cigarette, and puts it into gear. Driving off, leaving the corpse behind him for someone else to deal with, the late night streetlights are dizzying to his drunken eyes. To a paranoid mind, every man silhouetted against light is a cop about to find him; every car is the police squad following him. Another night of sweat and nicotine.

Driving on through the early morning, he nervously takes drags from his cigarette. Morning turns to night, and he is still driving. The headlights push into the night as the asphalt rushes under the hood. The whir of the gears and the drumming of the pistons play a lullaby. He keeps telling himself that he is wide-awake, staring at the fuzzy edge where the headlights diminish into the darkness. The wheels hum along the pavement and thump over the cracks methodically. Gas spurts from the fuel injectors and exhaust pumps out toxic fumes. With the scream of the belts spinning and twisting, he pulls a cigarette out of its box and lights it. Taking a drag, the warm glow reflects from the windshield as he inhales.

He arrives at a gas station close to his destination to fill up on fuel and ask where the closest motel is. He stops at a bar on his way to his new room. Bringing back the alcohol, he sets it on the table in his room. He then goes into the bathroom.

“We’re here.”

“Yes.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I just want to talk to her. I need to tell her something.”

“Is that it?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Now.”

He lounges around and drinks for a while before he walks outside, gets into his car, and drives off. The early morning darkness seems to push in on him as he follows through on his task. Soon he arrives at his destination. Still early morning, he drives up, walks to the front door and knocks. He stands waiting for the door to open. Her boyfriend answers the door in his boxers and bathrobe. Without warning he receives a knife blade to the hilt and out, through the bottom of his jaw. “I want to tell her something… I just want to tell her something.” He mumbles quickly, almost inaudibly. He left the body lying there, left the door open and passed through the rest of the house. He comes to the bedroom door and looks in to the dark room. He whispers, “I just want to tell her something.” She lies there, motionless as her former boyfriend; she was always so calm when she sleeps. He walks slowly over to her side of the bed. Before he wakes her, he wipes the blood from his hands and knife, then moves in closer and gently nudges her. As she awakes, her sleepy eyes don’t recognize the face, but do see that it isn’t a familiar boyfriend’s face telling her that the coffee is ready.

“I wanted to tell you something. I needed to let you know.”

“What? Who are you?” Her eyes flash frantically trying to find her boyfriend for protection.

“Baby, it’s just not going to work with us.” Immediately he raises his blade, she raises her arms to deflect the assailant, but it is no use. His drunken rage is far too powerful for her pretty arms.

As a parting gift she has received a knife, shoved through the forehead. Her eyes are blank, staring from her skull to nothing. Mouth slack and hanging open seeming to silently say, “What have you done?”

He walks, blank-faced, back out the front door, stepping over the boyfriends body. He opens the door to his car, gets in, and drives off back to his room. When he gets there, sits down for a while and relaxes with a few more drinks. He then goes into the bathroom to take his daily medication. He opens the medicine cabinet and reaches for a bottle of pills.

“What have you done?”

The bottle is opened. A pill taken. Then another. More and more. He is choking them down now. Grasping for another bottle, he pops the lid. Groping for another, another. Taking bottles out, pushing pills in. Choking, swallowing, gasping. More bottles, more pills, anything. More more more.

Then, he stops. Bottles are strewn across the counter, in the sink, on the floor. Pills, tablets and capsules a mess around him.

The room starts spinning. His eyes are wide open, darting back and forth. He’s cold. Shivering, shaking, with a shudder he falls to his knees. He’s hot, burning, sweating. His heart is pounding its last against his chest. It hurts. Blood rushes through his veins, pushing pounding rushing. He feels like he’s going to burst. Closing his eyes. Slumps to the floor. Face pressed against the dirty linoleum, to be found days later by the landlord or someone, under the yellow-orange glow of the bathroom lights.

It Does the Talking For You

2005-09-07T12:22:00.000-05:00

Silence broken
More like shattered
When my brain finds that it cant function
With the new hole
I so conveniently blew through my skull

the note says:
"i have nothing to say to anyone"

When You Put Me Away, Let Me Lie There

2005-09-01T13:44:00.001-05:00

I lay
Stretched out
Like an ambulance passenger
with the back of my neck against her thigh
My head resting in her lap
She calmly rolls my hair around her fingers
Release
It feels like she cuts my hair without scissors
Until.
I fall.
Asleep.

I am at peace staring into the back of my eyelids
I cannot see that her soft palm
Has been rested against my neck
And the fingers, so delicate, wrap around
Snake around my throat

And as if I had been shocked
By a current, electric coursing strong through my body
My eyes snap open
I tense
As her fingers, so soft, dig into my neck
I look at her face
She doesn't notice I am staring into her eyes
She mist have been concentrating on her gripping
Her eyes seem harder than usual, steely and diomond-like
It looked like she was squinting into the sun, her small brow tensed

When I saw her face
I released
I stopped squirming like a little rat about to die
I closed my eyes
To fall asleep again
Release
With my last pulse
With my last exhale
I again look into her face
And watch until;
My vision goes to red
To grey
To black

Dark Rest

2005-09-01T13:44:00.000-05:00

Shadows are reassurance
The light tends to blind me
Is a spirit; we seem to hate each other
Darkness is home
My comfort
A blanket
Safety

Drink me in
Digest and break me
Sifted I might become a little more
Acceptable

The Paper Bleeds

2005-09-01T13:37:00.000-05:00

It was an amazing journey
All the spectacular ways you torchered me
All the lines I wrote were never enough
And I knew it
I was the jackass for not leaving
For not leaving you alone
But all the lines were for you
But so much in coexistence with me
The lines black on white
Red on white
Tragic misspellings
Dripping notes
They were never noticed
For all the Hell in myself
I would trade
For you to kill me again

Please

2005-08-10T16:21:00.000-05:00

Here
I'll hold the barrel
All you need to do
Is pull the trigger
And wipe off the blood
I wont even tell you to close your eyes
If you don't want to
It wont matter to me if you want to see
The dark blood, the filthy brains, fragments of bone
Eyes rolling back into my skull, or to look through the hole that is left
You help me
Ill help you
We can help each other
You can chose the gun
Ill buy the bullets
Before its done
We'll get together
I'll have you over
So we can have our own little going away party
Since you don't want me here
And I would rather not stay too much longer either
We will have a few drinks
I can load it and cock it back; as you finish yours
So go ahead
Give me both barrels
I'll wait patiently
For you to do your part
While my open mouth drools down the barrel

Hell To Pay

2005-08-01T13:41:00.000-05:00

Anything else might have been better
Skull shatters
Bone fragments scatter
But I can clearly see I had nothing to do with it
I see I had everything to do with it
Skin burning
Esophogus closing tightly
I wouldn't trust myself for a minute

Satellite

2005-07-21T15:39:00.000-05:00

Blink
Blink
Blink
Sing
Fly

Oh satellite
Take me away once more
Singing through the darkness
Bringing me home
Truly
I would keep you company
If you would keep me
Its been so long

Perhaps I am too late
Some might admire from afar
I would rather ours be more intimate

But perhaps I am too late
Too far along in your flight
I might be too much
I might not be enough
For now
In my sight
My satellite is fallen

Blink
Blink
Blink
Burn
Crash

Antagonized

2005-07-21T15:32:00.000-05:00

Stop your selfish seizing
Stop your sedating speech
(I've had enough of this before you started)
Stop twisting the knife
(I've put it there)
Stop draining me of everything
Stop tightening the rope about my neck
(ill do it myself)
Stop wishing I would appreciate you
(Just don't ever show up on my fucking doorstep again)
Stop trying to kill me
Are you trying to kill me
(I can do it on my own)

Guarded

2005-07-21T15:29:00.000-05:00

My skull moves
But I do not talk
My muscles pulse and tense
But I do not feel
I have been drained
For what?
Blood has been spilled
For who?
I should have seen it coming
I should have never stood in the way
It will be my time
It has been for so long
Soon...

The Last Time?

2005-07-21T15:20:00.000-05:00

What is love
But a quick
Passing moment
Bright enough to blind
Until put out
Silenced as if splashed by water
Or such like a shooting star's path
A fire burning alight for a short breath
It's downward spiral is courageous
Even if only short
At its obliteration
Glory
Break
Fall
Fail
Its shining flight no more
Never rekindled
Why?

Decimate

2005-07-21T15:16:00.000-05:00

Highway abandonment flash
Softly mumbling daydreams
Cloned hearts
Want to rip them all out
Leave it
Dont wipe it off yet
Bask first
Bathe
Race
Then Replace

Possibly?
Take mine too
Burn it at the stake

A glimpe of things
As they could be
Only
Makes it more hateful

Nevermind

2005-07-21T15:11:00.000-05:00

Nevermind
It's not even close
Spin around
Fall down
Nevermind
Rewind
Stop talking
TALK
Tell me to stop
Take me down
Bring me down
With you
You go
Keep living
As long as you like
But I wont
Because I don't

(Looks so good
wrapped in black
dipped in red
lying in that last
the last, sweet bed
choking)

Blank Space

2005-07-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

Its not as easy as you might think
A scab over the wound
Might help
Just paint it black
Although it might not
Be very positive
Or effective
When suffocating
When not disassembling myself
There is never really a problem
With finding someone else to hold the knife for me
A being is a simple toy for some hands

Hide

2005-06-27T16:30:00.000-05:00

Turn your face away
I cant turn mine
I wont
I know you wont save
No longer protected
I used to be safe from myself
A flame will never grow
Without something to fuel it
Nothing will burn
Until the flame comes to eat it
I guess I will diminish
Like a wave

Slow
Build
Grow
Climb
Peak
Crash
Implode

Empty

Save Some Time

2005-06-27T16:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know perfectly well
That the end is perfect
The end is impending
But lets not encroach upon it
Finding something meaningless
Could be a lifetime achievement
Only like cancer,
By the time you succeed
And surpassed
Your life is over

Something Obvious

2005-06-26T22:53:00.000-05:00

You might just have to
SHUT IT
SHOVE IT
TAKE IT
Bleed it
With everything I wish
More
But it STINGS
It rings
It hurts
But maybe if I was
GOOD ENOUGH
I might survive in your eyes
You might not have to
Gouge me you of your HEART AGAIN
Perhaps it is something you cant help
But I think I would sure love for you to try

Someone

2005-06-26T21:28:00.000-05:00

Break me up
Sweep it away

Tear me apart
Throw it out

Melt me down
Pour it through

Raise me up
Drop it

Heal me
Kill me

Steal me
Steal it
Take it
Take it

But not before
You break it

This Time

2005-06-23T10:27:00.000-05:00

I thought I saw your face
Among the crowds of the
Invisible
Calmly babbling, loud

I've been hoping a little
But like a candle

Darkness has a way of befriending me
Even though my wrists are bloody and tattered
I can still feel my heart stop
Ill twist and turn
Writhe while i let you sleep
Because soon you will see me
Sleeping

Sleep for the rest
Sleep and rest
For all that is nothing
Bathed in my sweet blanket of darkness
Never awaking

Abandon

2005-06-21T22:14:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say CRUSH
Because I don't think SHIT
I hope your not too KILL
(I don't really care)
Do you know what I mean? SLASH
HUSH HUSH hush... I guess this might be a little TOO MUCH
Just wait
don't leave STOP
I want to fix SHOVE
BURN burn... burn...

Entrance

2005-06-20T13:19:00.000-05:00

Come on in
I'll show you around
I'll throw you around

There couldn't be a better time
Embrace me
Chase me

The darkness brings increasingly more, increasingly less
Plead with me
Bleed with me

Just KILL with every...
I breathe
I seethe

I Can No Longer Trust

2005-06-18T11:15:00.000-05:00

Take it
Away
And keep it
Away
I dont want this anymore
I dont need it anymore
Take it
Drown it
Choke it
Kill it
Burn it
Bury it
I hate it
I run away
It could take a small price
It could hurt just a little
It is too much pain
It is so much pain

Wait...
Please
Give it back to me
I love it
I need it
I need it
I need it

Burial

2005-06-18T10:47:00.000-05:00

Shaking
Crying
Just where you left me
Just like you dropped me
Stopped me
Wrecked
Pieces
Lying in a pool of blood
Apparently obsolete
Time creeps
The sun burns
The moon swallows
Tide creeps
But don't you worry
I will be here
I have found a way to drown
My casing will turn to stone; to dust
My tears will run down; pool to glass
My blood will seep; soil gives birth to dark, dark roses

Take me home

2005-06-17T16:27:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a while. I feel starved. I hope that it is my fault. Just say something, I feel beaten. I wish I knew if I was supposed to say something, and then what to say. The shadow of your presence weakens me after so long. To see the light of your eyes would breath such new life into me. I might see it sometime. I hope. Unless you have finally started to hate me, which is probable. I would encourage it if you were not such a light to my darkness. As if I hunger, I will wait.

I will wait.

Sincerely: ....

Removal

2005-06-17T10:25:00.000-05:00

Shhh...
I hear it
Pumping
Thrusting that precious liquid
I'm sure you need it
But I've been depleted for so long now
Look...
I can see it
Running through
Showing through
Held down by only
Smooth skin
Wrapped like cellophane
Wait...
So much more than this
Blood and movement
Is only a part of the shell
Perhaps I could help
Excoriate this
Stay calm...
I have done it, myself
It might take a while
But so beautiful under all of this
Couldn't let this
Go to waste,
Come to an end
Wake up...
You can now feel
Closer,
Come closer
Can you see this?
I hope you can now see me
Together, without shells

A Telephone Message Received, Re-received

2005-06-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

I (want to) hate (love) you.
You are (mine) the infectious waste
(But) corrupting (your burning me alive) my purest
Skillful hypnotic
Ripping stain (remove myself from you)
Eaten away toxicity
I'll scratch (help) you out eventually (maybe)
I'll burn you (take you) away (from this) eventually
Necrosis (this might) could help eradicate
Insomniacs (I have) do not have this lullaby (to share)
If I (you would) listen, it (could help) deafens me to bleeding

But you see, (your behavior) symbiotic coexistence
Can only result in another fatality

Don't forgive, until no longer
I will no longer vindicate malignancy
I really wish I could (refrain from) steal away your happiness (resorting to)
(Murderous feelings withheld) I still think I could kill you
(Could) cleanse yourself of this, strength
This is my time to strike (leave)
So long, I wish you a hopeful end to this (beginning)

Leave

2005-06-13T13:00:00.000-05:00

Hope could be something to look for
Apathy comes naturally to some
Hell's avididty is such a shame
But you might be disapointed
I've changed my mind
Perhaps I could change yours
You will find
That I'm not so sanitary
As some say
As a normal glance will tell

Yet another hole

2005-06-07T19:20:00.000-05:00

Broken arms
Wrists are no longer smooth
Mannequin face
Black box
Black ribbon
Black tissue paper, chest
A coffin is all I need
Or a crate
I'll even dig my own hole
Good and deep
Fill it with concrete
And plant grass over so no one remembers
I'll be perfectly fine down here
Besides its nice and cold
Just the way I like it
No different than the way you've treated me

Scalpel

2005-06-07T17:12:00.000-05:00

Carve me up
Like I've always wanted
There's still room for you to decide
It freezes the knife to your hand
Once an incision is slit into my chest
Trim away the dead
Throw away the excess
Wipe away the frost
Blood smile and bright deep heart
Diligently
Slow
Careful
It's nice and warm now
Circle dark eyes
Tears bleed down to the white sheets
Eyes are empty but bright

Stop

Raise high
Above your head
Glinting steel
Blade sharp as betrayal
"This hurts me more that it will hurt you"

Then

Plunge plunge plunge
Stab
Rip it all out
Thrust
Submerge until spurting
A gaping hole leaves room for you to decide
"It's all for the greater good"
Throw away to rot with the rest

From Days

2005-06-02T18:37:00.000-05:00

I could always delay
I can't delay the fever
This time
This time it is different
Sweating glances
Blood pools together
Eating away
Making me feel
Dissected
Don't worry
Its not as bad as it sounds
(Its worse)
Postponed thoughts always surface
Break out in cold sweat
Feverish chilling
Someone could say something
But your not helping much

Start the Dance

2005-06-02T17:30:00.000-05:00

What did you think you were doing to him?
Warming a cool brain 'till the fog appears
Keep it all together
Walk away
You'll find it hard to medicate
Somehow
I always wake up with blood on my hands
I was only sleeping until I heard your voice
Sometimes I trust like a dog
Sometimes I trust like a cop
My search had been ended
Long before you were aware of its beginning
Out of my hands
Killing hands
Reversal
Rehearsal
Just tell me the movements, honey
I could recite from now on

You know you have to eat It

2005-06-02T15:13:00.000-05:00

Strings like lines
Connects everything to everything
A string snaps leave a gaping hole, black
There will probably never be a doctor here
Paramedic or nurse
Even though its all I need, all that will come is the coroner
Sane witnesses never see
I have no faith in
Amputees never stop complaining
Just cut it all off
Cut it all out
I've never seen anything like it
Never hear with ears cut off
Euthanasia surgery with an axe sympathetic hatred
Tied down straight jacket Hell
Leather straps and padded walls stench of piss
Chains, electroconvulsive, pills
Empty, dank, echo
Healthy screams clear your throat
Screams rip out your circuitry
But let others know

Keep Singing

2005-05-31T13:07:00.000-05:00

Tell me to say something profound
I'll kill my mind thinking
You'll kill it by looking
Maybe I could stare back with my empty sockets
I fall back
Pixelate myself
Composer symphony arange the blocks the way he likes
Should have seen it coming
Perhaps it is healthy to bleed
Perhaps it is healthy to break
Are you only a victim when attacked?

2005-05-31T13:06:00.000-05:00

Lines.... thats all it is... thats all they are....

Never Free

2005-05-31T10:42:00.000-05:00

One thousand steps
One thousand miles
One thousand days
Trace back
Fast forward
Bathe through
Rinse
I can't
I just can't help it
Just kill it
Cut it up and burn it
Tie it up and beat it
Divide up and rain down
Fall out through the bottom waste
Take it back
Just kill me

Three Words

2005-05-17T15:07:00.000-05:00

Three words
Three words you could always say
Three words you never say
Three words could mean so much
Three words mean nothing to you
Three words coming from deep beneath me
Right through me
Beat me, uplift me
Raise me higher than ever before, kill me
A short phrase I say
I think
I wish I could say
Three words one sentence
Helping me to see
So much more than I have been
But foreign to my ears

Mind Talk

2005-04-24T22:56:00.000-05:00

When the days run together
I wonder so often
What runs through your mind
Everything sings through my head
I wonder which voice is my own
Which I should listen to
My blood pumps
My heart beats
I see your hands so soft so small
Those days I wonder if I am really awake
Here
I think I search through the night
No matter how hard I look
And look into your eyes
I cannot see what yours say
But you can see me
You look through me easily
I could tell you what they say
The smoky lines say i love you
I am not sure
Sometimes they lie
Once I find what I mean
I still dont know what your mind says
To mine

Winter

2005-04-24T22:53:00.000-05:00

In the winter I turn cold
The stone that was my heart
Still carries frost
Into the summer
It begins to thaw but not before
Chills of winter again enter my spine
Biting cold of winter nights
Crack me into helplessness
Binds that tear me
Never heal
In time for winter's grasp upon me again

Those Eyes

2005-04-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

I close my eyes
Open my mind's
I see you crying inside
Praying with streamed cheeks
Help me to see what the tears are for
Help me focus, see what the tears are for
Please tell me how I can help
Understand how I see in your eyes
Something familiar to me
Something unsettling
Discomforting in your eyes

The Last

2005-04-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

I have longed for that one
The perfect, last cool-skinned bullet
My saliva wets the hard barrel
A sinister kiss
It feels cold and dead against my teeth
With both hands I grasp the rough handle
My finger squeezes the trigger
That bullet, the precious liberating bullet
Resting in its cold sleep
Soon to be awaken
The shining cylinder racing through the barrel
An explosion, cold and calculated
Unforgiving and vicious
The gun only a machine to deliver
A servant to the bullet and operator

Summary

2005-02-25T10:47:00.000-06:00

Here is a summary of all my poems:

I am sad
I am stupid
My heart is empty
I am hopeless

rinse, repeat,
The End

The Stars Shine Brighter Now

2005-02-25T10:26:00.000-06:00

The air is fuzzy with the sparse fog
Glowing around the street lights
Pierced at the middle of the lamp
Dispersed out and reflects from the pools
When its strength fades
The heavy darkness pushes in
Cool dripping rain falls
Tears of the mist slide down window panes

Under the lights they walk over the cracked concrete
Her shoes click along the wet and rough pavement
He is by her side
Watching the soft glow of the sreet lights brush across her face
She turns to him
He smiles as he looks into her eyes, now dark and calm with the night
But still gleaming and bright with each passing light

He offers his arm, she accepts
They walk in syncronization
Bound to each other, arm in arm
Holding each other like links of a chain
Physically, and also, they hold the others heart to cradle tenderly

Time stops when a moment is perfect
Miles pass, the sound of her voice never ceases to please him
By the end of the night
He didn't remember how long they had walked
He didn't remember how long they had talked

Embracing, her light hands brush across his shoulders
He breathes in her sweet smell and closes his eyes
He had forgotten what it had been like to embrace
To be encircled in soft arms
Held in warm arms

The clocks wind around again
He will go home and dream of the time the stars stood still
And that angel stole the heart of one who had been cold
She breathed into and gave new life to a hard heart
Revived, he could now live once again

You/Me

2005-02-24T10:25:00.000-06:00

You are my hate
Boiling my blood
Rushing through my body
Racing past my never beating heart
Soon to be dripping from my wrists

You are the noose
A chord to grip my neck
Cut off my air supply
Swinging back and forth
A limp puppet on a string

You are the shove
Sending me over the edge
You you are the rocks in the valley
To crack my head
Shatter my spine

You are the blade
The knife to dig in
Cutting through flesh
Ripping my veins apart
A razor to set me free

You are the trigger
The bullet that enters my skull
A pin to strike the primer
The barrel in my mouth
An unforgiving explosion

Fugitive

2005-02-10T10:42:00.000-06:00

How would it feel
To run from life
To break the chains that bind
Snap the chords that tie
Run faster than ever before
Escape the pain of living
Never look back
Never turn around
Brush the sleep from your eyes
Wipe the blood from your wrist
Break the hourglass
No regrets of leaving
The wasteland to your back
Darkness behind
The light in your eyes

Share your Tears

2005-02-10T10:38:00.000-06:00

I feel your sadness
I know the crush of loneliness as much as you
Your pain is my pain
Your sorrow is mine
I can feel you shaking
Your tears run down my face
Your sobs ringing in my ears
Your broken heart
Breaks mine
I would embrace you, hold you, protect you
If I knew you wanted it from me
If i was important enough to you
If it would mean anything

Tubes and Needles

2005-02-10T10:31:00.000-06:00

When I am laid in that bed
Under the bright lights
And beeping moniters
Nurses and doctors
Hover around me
Faceless, nameless
But with voices
Tubes
Snaking through my mouth and nose
Pumping oxygen into weak lungs
Needles streaming drugs into my body
Whether it is when im old and gray
Or after that glorious, terrible failed attempt
I want to see your face above mine when I wake
Your hand gently pressed against mine
If you are the first to visit me
I would smile for the first time
See you
For the first time all over again
I want you to be the last to say goodbye

Virus

2005-02-10T10:18:00.000-06:00

Someone must have been pricked
A prick on the finger
Or the heart
Pricked
To bleed the blood
The blood runs
Seeps through
To the one who...
It trickles to the one that carried the virus
Feeding and growing from the byproduct
This is passed
Filtered through
To you, offspring
Spawned from the pools
Filtered to another who bled
To pour down the throats of children
And spatter upon the faces
The masks of those who surround
Soak the garments of your companions
Cycle through
The circle
Spiral forever
Always carry the disease
Carry... pass
Carry... pass
Share it share your wealth
The abundance of your treasure
It always grows
It always diminishes
Always destroys
The prick
Blood that dripped
Is the first of many
The drops bring us to our knees
Crumbles the foundations of our houses
The infected are many
Killing
Destroying themselves and each other
But the virus still prevails
Lives on forever

Remember

2005-02-10T10:14:00.000-06:00

I remember how you were
How you used to be
How carefree
Doubting nothing
Not even yourself
Dancing and jumping
Running
Bright eyed and happy mouthed
Into warm arms
Comforted

I could never be... Something

2005-02-06T13:48:00.000-06:00

I am a song
Played softly
But once you turn up the volume
Loud enough to hear
You find I am not worth listening to

I am a heart
Upside down, broken, battered, calloused and hopeless
Black and cold, repulsive and ugly
If anyone saw it
They would never dare to come near

I am a page
Filled with lines and scribbles
A mess of black lines
Until you look closely
And read the story hidden

I am darkness
To run away from Light's presence
But to creep back
And peek in from her edge
She breaks my existence with her mere being

I am a noise
Only to be heard by those listening
A whisp of cloud, mist, always eluding grasp
Even my own
Invisible

I am death
Damned to live
Always dying
Never dead
Still here, still breathing

Diary of Self-Destruction part 3

2005-02-04T13:59:00.000-06:00

Another late night. Another late fight, behind him, in the dust.

The headlights pushing into the night, asphalt rushing under the hood. Whir of the gears and the drumming of the pistons play a lullaby.

He is wide awake. Thinking. Staring at the fuzzy edge where the headlights diminish into the darkness.

The wheels hum along the pavement and thump over the cracks methodically. Gas spurting from fuel injectors and exhaust pumping out toxic fumes. Scream of the belts spinning and twisting, her screams still ringing in his ears. Her slap still hot and red on his face.

He pulls a cigarette out of its box, lights. Taking a drag, the warm glow reflects from the windshield, inhale. The bitter-sweet taste of chemicals, cancer, and destruction. Embracing his tar-filled lungs. Thats better, sweet nicotine, sweet sweet addiction. Remembering how he prayed for a bodybag with his name on it.

Still driving, still running, no one knows, no one cares. No radio tonight, there is too much spinning around in his mind to allow distractions. As the road turns away from a great tree, straight ahead. A tree with his name on it.

He clutches the steering wheel tighter. His knuckles white. Pressing the pedal against the floor. Gears, pistons, belts and rods all rushing in a fury to bring their operator to an end. A machine of destruction, messenger of death. All rushing as one being, one animal, straight into the mouth of death.

Sweet death, to never feel the burn of drawing another breath, agony of his blood pumping through his veins. Closer and closer, the tree bearing his name rushes toward him, as if to embrace. Gripping tighter and tighter, knuckles whiter, eyes wider, closer closer. Until, he hits, the steering wheel becomes his last meal. Hood to the tree in a bloody embrace. A wreck of twisted metal and organs.

Heart of Glass

2005-02-02T13:11:00.000-06:00

I am cracked
I am fragile
Walking on the edge of a knife
Running on the razor edge
Heart gripped like a vice
Squeeze the life from me
My hatred for everything
Digs into my heart, calloused and hopeless
Shattered
The pieces fall from my hollow shell
No one to sweep up the shards
No one to notice

Left alone to die

2005-02-01T13:18:00.000-06:00

I sit alone
Scream alone
Slit my wrists
Alone
Alone because I dont need anything
I wouldn't need your sympathy even if you had any
I know you dont really care
My throat burns
Wrists sting
What if I told you I was going to die?
What if I told you I was going to die?
Tonight
Would it change anything?
Would your heart grow soft to see me
To see me bleed
See me cry

The Pit

2005-02-01T13:04:00.000-06:00

I'll take you to a place
A place where the stench of sorrow
Mists in the air
Where gloom drips down the walls
The mud of loneliness covers the ground
Remnants of hollow lies ferment
Among the shallow promises
I long to be out of here
This place where perpetual nightmares linger
I hope against hope
And plead with the demons
To help me find my way out
But this place has become my home
Perhaps I will dwell in this chasm forever

Diary of Self-Destruction part 2

2005-01-31T13:02:00.000-06:00

Stumbling out of bed, he shuffles across the carpet until he feels the cold linoleum under his feet. Glancing up at the mirror, he hears something, a voice.

"Well well well,"

Double checking the face looking back at him, he makes sure.

His lips aren't moving.

"well don't you look like shit today, again."

Turning away he pushes aside the clear plastic shower curtain and reaches for the faucet handle.

"Just look at yourself, those scars on your wrist, bags under your eyes. Long night huh?"

Lowering his eyes, he sees the inside of his wrist, covered with red lines. Dark clotted drops of blood still clinging to some of them.

"Your so pathetic with your little episodes. Cutting yourself until you bleed as much as you cry. You cry like you did when you were a child."

He remembered how he hated her voice, how he cowered away, looking up, with salty eyes at the one who gave birth. Gave birth to a failure. He was carried in her womb, fed, and nurtured by her. But she now screamed in his ears.

Perhaps she didn't know what she was doing. Maybe she hated him. Maybe she never wanted him. He didn't know.

"She wanted you to succeed in life."

But how does yelling help anybody succeed in anything? Is it worth it to achieve greatness and be empty inside?

Over time, he developed a hatred for people, family, and himself. His whole life revolved around hate and self-loathing, all those years were kept inside.

They never knew. She never knew.

They will never know now.

He opens the medicine cabinet. Reaches for a bottle of pills. The bottle is opened. Pill taken. Then another. More and more. He is choking them down. Grasps for another bottle, pops the lid. Groping for another, another. Taking bottles out, pushing pills in. Choking, swallowing, gasping. More bottles, more pills, anything. More more more.

Then, he stops. Bottles strewn across the counter, in the sink, on the floor. Pills, tablets and capsules a mess around him.

The room starts spinning. His eyes are wide open, darting back and forth. He's cold. Shivering, shaking, with a shudder he falls to his knees. He's hot, burning, sweating. His heart is pounding against his chest, it hurts. Blood rushing through his veins. Pushing pounding rushing. Feels like he's going to burst. Closing his eyes. Slumps to the floor. Face pressed against the bathroom floor, to be found days later by the landlord or someone, still in his boxers under the yellow-orange glow of the bathroom lights.

The Noose

2005-01-28T10:52:00.000-06:00

Hanging on to life by a thread
This string
This noose
Around my neck
Each day is another gasp for breath
Swinging by my neck
Writhing in pain
Searching for a way out
Out of agony
Away from the torment
To be rid of the pain

Myself, the Murderer

2005-01-28T10:48:00.000-06:00

Hands around my neck
I turn
But no one is there
The hands gripping are my own
Tighter and tighter
Fingers are digging into the flesh
Teeth clenched
Eyes squeezed shut
I wage this war against myself
I tell myself
"I would blow a hole in my skull for you
if only it would make you feel better"
Myself tells me
"Take this rope
it will only hurt for a second"

Solutions

2005-01-11T17:51:00.000-06:00

I need an addiction
Something to hide behind
Something to help me forget
Something to mess me up
No matter how many times I wish I was someone else
Or how many lines are on my wrist
No matter how man guns I've drooled over
Or how many pills I have in my bathroom
I can't turn back the sand in the hourglass
It wont matter
All the people that know me will die too
I will be alone in the ground

3 AM

2005-01-11T17:31:00.000-06:00

Sitting here
Confused, dazed
The stench of broken hearts fills the air
Smoke curls from the lips silently
Twisting, ever changing, disperses upward into the ceiling
I watch myself talking to you
But you are never here
Cigarettes smothering in the ashtray
A heart can be broken only a few times before the soul begins to
deteriorate
I love you for all the ways you kill me
The longer I lay here
I realize more that my life is ending
I'm always closer to death than I was a second ago
Its always too late for something
Among the crumpled pieces of paper
I think of all the ways I hate myself
I think of what it would feel like to be perfect
Or at least, a little closer to perfect
But its always too late
Razor blades strewn across the coffee table like broken promises
All those fake laughs, fake smiles
Coming back to haunt
The list of thinks I've messed up
Is a book compared to the things I've done right
Always in my head
Like blood on the walls
I could never manage to wash it off

Can You Hear It?

2004-12-24T13:51:00.000-06:00

Silence
Piercing silence
Running like a freight train through my head
Through my veins
Let it out
Screaming
Cutting
Burning
Beating
Punching
Can't sleep
So tired
Exhaustion
Squeeze eyes shut
Drown it out
Bring it out
Take it out
It's not out

Prisoner

2004-12-24T13:05:00.000-06:00

In the cell block of my heart
The cold gritty walls of my mind
I lament my loneliness
Loathe myself
Beat my head against the walls
Reach through the bars towards the light
Devastated by your abandonment
But still comforted my the shadow of your existence
I've forgotten how long I've been here
You've forgotten me all together
My demise is evident
Perhaps I will be saved
Delivered from this pit
But until then
I will be sitting here
Waiting for the day I die

Marionette

2004-12-24T12:48:00.000-06:00

Forgotten
Hollow and dangling
Hanging by a few strings
Wooden smile
Staring with blank eyes
Once lively with the feeling of existence
But now forgotten and lonely
Tattered limbs falling from their joints
Grasping to a thread
The old string gives way
Falling
Tangled body lies
Lifeless and hollow
The blank stare, the wooden smile, the tattered limbs
Heaped and mangled on the floor

Hold You

2004-12-08T10:49:00.000-06:00

Let me hold you in my arms
Let me embrace you lovingly
Cry on my shoulder
Take my hand
I want to show you that I care

Come to me
Let me hold you
Let me dry your tears
Give me your hand
Let me show you that I care

From the red lines flow my broken heart

2004-12-08T10:42:00.000-06:00

Again
I swipe it across
Red oozes from the lines
Again
Watch the red flow
It came from my heart
Again
Deep and dark
It comes no more
Again
Squeezing between the slit
It runs down, cold
Again
Watch
Again
Without flinching
Again
No emotion
Again
These are real tears

So Sorry

2004-12-08T10:38:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry I love you
I'm sorry I care
I'm sorry I can never be good enough
I'm sorry I have to hate myself
I'm sorry you wouldn't miss me if I died
I'm sorry we can't be friends
I'm sorry if I leave a mess when I go
I'm sorry I loved you

Forever

2004-12-07T17:58:00.000-06:00

Sorrow boils inside
It wants to surface
I choke it down
It tears from inside
Ripping me to shreds
My heart is hard and heavy like cold iron
Forget me when I am put in the ground
Spit on the dirt above me
Scratch out the name on my gravestone
I will rot away
Forever I will be hollow
Forever my heart will be chisled from stone
Forever I will be alone
Forever...

Broken

2004-12-06T19:47:00.000-06:00

Broken spirit, broken wings
Soul cold like stone
Calloused heart is nothing to desire
I hear your voice, my heart seethes with hatred
I fall, you laugh
I reach out my hand for help, you break my arm
Tears stream from salty eyes
I plead for help
You push me down
I am worthless

Push

2004-12-06T19:41:00.000-06:00

When you leave me
In my solitude
My anger boils
You try to put your arms around me to comfort me
But when your comforting me
You know your trying to ease your conscience
I push you away
This wall of distrust
It is too strong for you to break through
And too tall for you to climb

Words

2004-12-06T19:36:00.000-06:00

Words left there to linger. Piercing darts stuck in a colapsing heart. Joy is fading, hope dying. Predator oblivious to the pain inflicted upon the victim. Tears stain. Words, a powerful weapon, the poison dwells long afterwards. Rarely forgotten. Left stranded to choke on them. Always uphill, with no encouragement. Killing words are more powerful than uplifting ones. Flames spewing out before actions even given a thought. Contaminated soul. Give in to the temptation, you, with the heart of stone. Your hands will choke, your hands will reduce me to dust left to blow in the wind. I will be forgotten. My shallow grave will reflect your darkness. I see you struggle to utter a kind word. If you will not finish me, I will do it myself. Even as I braid the rope for my noose, you torment me. You are the trigger I will pull, you are the knife that cuts.

You Killed Me

2004-12-06T19:24:00.000-06:00

You are doing this to me
Ripping, tearing me apart
Piece by Piece
There will be nothing left
You are doing this to me
Putting me down
Until I pound my head
Thinking of a better way
To choke my neck
You are doing this to me
I try to share myself with you
But you don't care
You shrug off my sorrow and weeping
You laugh at my thoughts
You are doing this to me
Killing me with your words
Why am I not dead yet?
Why can't I just leave this world?
My pain is nothing to you
You are doing this to me
I am shattered, broken
Lying at your feet
You still kick me
Then you act as if nothing has happened
You are doing this to me
It seems I am always doing something wrong
There is not a time in my life when someone is not pissed at me
Do I deserve this?
Do you enjoy this?
Do you like seeing my pain?
Do you delight in seeing me fail?
You are doing this to me

Void

2004-12-06T19:13:00.000-06:00

There is a deep void inside me
I am dead inside
I am hollow
I am empty
It is too deep and dark to fill
It boils from within
It churns and eats away at me
Like a disease
Like an acid
It fights to surface
But I cover it up
I have many masks
I have many charades
No one sees me
All they see is the masks
The inside is too ugly to see
I am happy
But I feel sad
I am joyful
But I feel sorrow
I am only smiling on the outside
I am only laughing on the outside

Diary of Self-Destruction part 01

2004-12-06T17:45:00.000-06:00

He picks up the gun. Heavy, cold, dead, in his hand. He takes the bullet, looks at it, a shining cylinder, sharpened to a blunt, emotionless point. Glinting slightly in the dim light the bullet is loaded into the gun. He grasps it with both hands and slowly lifts it, putting the barrel into his mouth. He looks with a blank stare into space. With the gun, cold and hard between his teeth, he blinks, tightens the grip on the rough handle, and closes his eyes. Then slowly, steadily pulls the trigger.