Weight

I'm sorry I came to you with a broken heart
Just a drunk, lonely and beaten
So confused and tired of life
I don't have to be a burden
There are ways to fix that
I fear my black heart could infect yours
I'm sure this isn't what you had in mind
When all this started
Should have kept it all inside
Like I had gotten so used to doing
My past. It'll break your back
It broke mine

Tell Me

Tell me you will never leave me
I know you will
But it will help me get through the day

Tell me you will never hate me
I know it's going to happen
But it will help me sleep tonight

Tell me you don't want me to hurt myself anymore
I will once you are gone
But I want someone to check my wrists for new scars

Tell me you love me
Because I've never heard it before

Insomnia Again

Seeing things again
Hearing things
Again
I see myself
Loading that gun
Over and over
I see you
Walking away
To never return
This insanity
That agony
Returning once again
I hate for you to go through this with me
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'll just tie myself to these railroad tracks

Healing Hands

You've warmed my heart
Just enough to let it bleed
The chunk of ice that was my heart
I've still kept through all these years
Now, in your hands it starts to push blood again
Entrusted to you, just don't break it
Because I wont be conscious enough to clean up the blood
If you do
You just wont see any tears
Because they have all been taken

Again

You'll kill me before I can
you'll suck the soul right out of me
Before I could carve it out

No more no more
You know she will
Make you feel

But she is so beautiful
With her words
So harsh and real

The way, just the way
I had feared
But the only way
It could be

Love Lost

I see that blade, now
My sweet, resting
Stained from the tears of my soul
Seems so long ago
It lies there, betrayed
I cant pick it up again
To touch its rigid cold
Could fling me back
To where I came from
It brought me so much
Made me realize
Gave me comfort through pain
Shown me that I could still live
But without it, my wrists are clean
Bring me back to where I came from
My sweet, tool of torture

Sleep

So little sleep
I cant keep my eyes shut
Does it show
Look at me; listen to me
Watch; listen
To what I have said
I CAN SHOW YOU
Against the palm of my hand
My fingers grasp tighter
I cough
I choke
I convulse
No more
Sleep, without dream
Finally

The Curtain Falls

All is over
The curtain has fallen
Time to go home
Time is up
The light has been put out
Along with every thing
I know
Last time you looked
There was so much sand left in the glass
This is the part of the show
When you all laugh
Just laugh
With my feet off the floor
Just laugh

Search

Looking for you is all I have left
This pen
That blade
The drink
They once allowed me to forget
But they hold nothing for me now
All that fucking ink I wasted
All those cigarettes I smoked
I know I was just praying for cancer
I just wait
Hoping for a time when I can love you
As much as I hate myself
Too many tears, I have no more
So much blood, not a drop left

Both Thought

Thanks but no thanks
I'll just keep guessing
I'll just draw you differently
Next time
You'll miss me
We'll miss each other I know
(HAHAHAHAHA)
But haven't we had enough
Of the feeling sorry bullshit?
I've had enough of your
False sincerity that kept choking
Don't you lie to me
I can be just as unpredictable
Wait here I'll be right back
Would you like to see my new gun?

The Game

Attack, evade, defend
Step forward, step back
Look, look away
The match has been called
A stalemate, a draw
This game of emotional chess
No one wins, no one loses
It was always such a fucking game with you
That shield of bullshit
Kept everyone back
It has long since been over
But I still suffer the heavy losses
A battle of hearts
Though I only had spades
My pawns always melted away
Queen takes king...
Checkmate

Medicated

Listen to my loss of memory
Listen to the sounds that I hear
That I translate for you
Pull on my legs
I have been burden to this tree
Far too long
Choke me harder
Choke me as much as it takes
Were all just so goddamn medicated
aren't we
I would rather die a real death
Than live a fake life

New Chapter

After a full year (December 2004 - December 2005) of borderline insanity I feel that now I have finally finished that chapter of the uncompleted book of Forever Hollow's Soul Tears. I am encouraged in a way to see that I have made it through, it has always been an exhausting task to press on but somehow I made it through. Also I am partially disheartened to have started another "chapter" because I am afraid of what this next one holds.

Through the torture and torment of the first Soul Tears chapter I thank anyone who has been able to put up with reading any of my lamentations and whining. I have been recovering from the hangover-like feeling of the first chapter for the past five months and I think I am ready to start this new chapter now that I have someone so amazing by my side. She helps me travel faster than the speed of pain and numb the agony I feel and have felt; a perfect drug. Although everything here is written for myself, to help me going, I do greatly appreciate any readers and their comments whatever they might be.

Now punch out the walls
And then shatter the windows
Of my brain, hollowed out

Enough Isn't Enough

My company is only myself now
To argue here
And sift through what you had left me
Generosity was never your thing
I understand that but couldn’t you
Have made and exception for what I wanted most?
I tried to slow the clocks while holding my breath
But finally collapsed when you said enough is enough
Enough isn’t enough
What I had was never enough
You couldn’t pity me enough?
Returning my heart so bruised was enough
But I’m fine now that the bandages have fallen of and I’m calloused
Until I see you again
I hope this is what you wanted

Drained

Spilled myself for you
I was broken
Thrown to the fire
Left to drown
Caught into
Overwhelmed
Repeated
Repentances so hollow
Your empty hands always hid from mine
I could have loved if I was let to
I was always the one choosing
But only now do I stay outside
Before and now I am sleepless
You could drain me until I cannot crawl

Watch Me

Always behind
Left to sleep only in your shadow
Separate myself
I need to bring my head back to me
I need to cut apart the black
From the grays
The innocence, my sight
Has been taken from me
For so long, blind
I can feel your bricks upon my shoulders
I’ll vomit what you have spoonfed me
I’ll cut off what has been branded into me
The heat of anger
Fogs my vision
But I keep swinging
Until collapse

My Cancer is not Physical

All the countless times I've tried
To will out the sickness
Beat out the illness
That has plagued me
The blood of unforgetfulness
Keeps pounding against my skull
The screams of the orchestra
And whines of voices swirl endlessly
Sweet dreams but hold tight
Sweeter screams tears the grip
Bled out to purge myself of this
I am host to this parasite
A disease to me; to others surrounding
My cancer is not physical but eats away at me still
You might have been the antidote
But slipped away

Now it Becomes

When you come to realize
I'll still be sitting here
Holding my head full of glass
I hope you'll find me if you look
And with you sweep up my heart
Spread across the floor like broken glass
I'll try my best to be where you left me
I'll try not to pass the time
By splitting my veins with the broken glass
It's still hard
Waiting this long
Trying not to breathe in this air full of broken glass
These pools around me
Mirror back emptied eyes
Every tear that falls is like a shard of broken glass

Division + Subtraction = Addition

Come. Let's see what our minds
Are made of
And what holds can be broken
We can hide where everyone will find us
Cover our eyes until the stars rain on us
We'll peel our skin off
And scream at the veins to push harder
Break our back just to have an excuse
The groan of the opening of our chests
Will quiet our cries for more
As our bonds melt away

Hate is Too Much Work

What is it that you want?
What is it that I can give you?
Your hand, your stare brings so much pain
You say you're blind
You say the darkness pushes in all around you
But the only darkness you see
Is the back of your eyelids
You feel the pain from your own blade
But blame it on everyone else
We all kill ourselves eventually
It's not your place to sell tickets
Sweet dreams
As they say in Hell
"A martyr is when you die for something
That is not of yourself"

Drowning for the Last Time

Drowning without someone to watch
Gasping for air
With only myself to pull me further
You may not know
I was about to jump in
While you were there
Only because you wouldn't hold me hand
I never told you
But I always had a feeling
That you could read me like a book

Slipping through
I am here now
I can almost feel myself separating
I still cant see anyone through the rippling surface

Too Late

Maybe if you accually were here
I wouldn't have to reach into the shadows you left
Too late to call
I wont be going anywhere
I was shattered when you said what you did
Far too late to call
There were so many lines written for you
But the pieces of me could never catch you
You were a true rarity
A dose of something I'd never had before
Previous attempts were to no avail
I had so much to tell you
But I knew my cowardice and shamefulness were to
Always overcome
A governor like you kept the knife in the drawer
But it was always (much) too late to call

Depletion

Stop breathing
Stop breathing
That burning you're feeling is your body
Letting you know it's time
Stop bleeding
Stop bleeding
Those tears you shed
Are to no avail
Stop seething
Stop seething
That anger boiling
Is what should be directed to yourself

The Core Stings

Time remaining
I plead
To whomever might hear
To slow the winding

The connection from my eyes
Throguh to my center crumples
Acid courses throughout my core
Blink to keep tears inside
Although fire I hold in my hand
Is used for no other, though tempted
My flame is meant only for me
It tourtures me but I keep ingesting

My tears flow red
My blook pulses black through a glass heart; thin, inklike
Hell on earth is only your mind
Telling you it is time